Hello there, friends. It’s been a while since I posted. A lot has happened in a year; I travelled to new places, discovered new passions, found a dream to pursue and learned more about myself than I have in the 22 years preceding it. I’ve left all my old posts up because I do believe there’s a lot of truth in them, and I tended to only write when I really felt called to and so maybe they still help people, every now and again. But I hope to blog more often now, sometimes about deep things and sometimes about little questions I’ve been pondering that don’t really make a huge difference to life but still are something I want to share.
(Just as a side note; writing this feels so comfortable, like coming home, like sinking into a warm bath. I’ve missed my blog. What a joy to be doing it again.)
Anyway, along with this first blog post in a long time is a commitment kinda from myself, to myself. But you can join in if you want to…in fact, I encourage you to. Because this is a truth.
Life is so complex that we forget why we do it.
I constantly start new projects. I believe at that moment, truly, that this will be a great thing that I’ll become really good at and it will fill that gap I’m still struggling with, the gap of not having a ‘thing’. So I begin knitting. I start learning guitar. I buy Mandarin books to become fluent. I try writing an entire novel in a month. I sign up for an online TEFL course. I zero in on new projects at work; a handbook, a database, even a new crisis centre. I volunteer to help out at different events. I even decide I’m going to start watching 24 from season 1, episode 1.
Of all these projects I have legitimately started, all of them since August (with the exception of Mandarin), I have completed zero. (Although, to be fair and honest, the scarf is getting there.) I’m still on module 3 of TEFL. My Mandarin books are gathering dust. I pick up my guitar and play the same 4 chords over and over. My novel is floundering at 9,000 words and I’ve already given up on that. In fact, I’ve given up on all of them somewhere in my head and my heart.
Every few months I have a major panic about my life; why it seems to be going nowhere, why I have all these unfinished projects, why I’m even here. Like this month; I was supposed to be in Hong Kong until the end of December, but I left and returned home because I felt that was what God was telling me to do. Why? What have I come back for? I get up, I do my morning routine – walk dogs, eat breakfast, get dressed – I go to work, I come home from work, I do an afternoon routine – clean/iron/food shop/knit/watch TV – I make dinner, I shower, I go to sleep, I wake up and repeat. What is even the point? Does this routine even benefit anyone else except myself?
I’m slightly lucky in that my job does benefit others; working for the Storehouse means I get to help give food, clothes and furniture to people in the area that desperately need it. So I can derive some comfort from that, but it doesn’t feel like I’m helping; I just answer the phone and write names on delivery lists, names of real people that I never meet but ring up to ask if we can deliver on this day, trying to sound cheery and joyful so they feel a little better about life even though some of them are in horrible situations. Working in a job like this makes it easy to guilt-trip myself; how can I be concerned about something as little as whether my activities have value when these people are struggling just to survive? How lucky I am to be able to have the luxury to worry about whether I should give more to charity!
In the midst of this manic thinking, in the lethargy and lack of motivation that comes from feeling that chores and activities have no point to them, a little voice whispers quietly as I pour out my frustration to God.
It’s not about what you do, it’s why you do them.
‘And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ.’ – Colossians 3:23-24
At one point, during my DTS, we had a week which we spent in the middle of nowhere. We had to work as a team to survive, and it involved a lot of physical and mental strength. One day we were learning about servanthood, and about doing all things for God and not for ourselves. We had to do some cleaning and tidying around where we were staying. It was hard work but the focus was so clearly on Jesus that the chore became a job.
But it was more than that. During that week away, we had no access to the internet. No phones, no laptops, not even a watch. Our focus became solely on the activities of the week and on Jesus. Our lives became suddenly very simple, and life was no longer about whether our activities mattered because everything mattered, everything was done for Him.
Our lives cannot be that simple in everyday life. We need to have our phones to communicate, our laptops to do work (in my case anyway). But I think the challenge we face in our day-to-day lives is to use our time wisely. If I spend half an hour on Facebook, what does that accomplish except to make me wish I was on holiday or out with friends or generally having a more exciting life? Yet it’s not about starting hundreds of ‘meaningful’ projects just to make you feel like your life is counting for something; it’s about spending each day making the decision (often over and over throughout the day) to live in His presence and use our time for His purposes. I have to work every day, but I can use that time to muddle through a funding application whilst watching the clock or I can use it to be with Jesus and let Him guide my use of my time at work, focusing on what He wants me to focus on.
All this to say (the short version) that I have been overcomplicating my life to try and make it mean something when it already does because it belongs to Jesus. I make myself busy and waste my days on Facebook or Netflix because I don’t want to spend time actually evaluating my life and seeing it doesn’t mean anything, but Jesus looks at my life and sees it as a blank canvas with a million possibilities. He’s just waiting for me to realise it and to turn back to Him, to rekindle my first love and stop running around and to just rest in Him.
So I’m going to simplify. I’m taking a Facebook fast beginning tomorrow. I’m going to spend time seeking, praying and rediscovering the value of my life. I’m only going to do the projects I truly feel led to! And throughout it all I am going to remind myself that I do it for Him, not for me. Join me. See what He leads you to drop, to take up, to become passionate about. He might surprise you!